So there I stood. In my foyer, back against the door, with the mail in my hands. Final Divorce Decree. FINAL. It’s over. There is something about reading that word that just took the wind out of me. 28 years of trying and loving and struggling and agonizing and after all that…it’s over.
It feels more like a death. Something died in me that day. I loved my husband. (I met him when I was 16 and I never dated any other boys. We married at 17, had our first of 4 children at 18 and on we went) I loved being a wife. But, there was always a problem. A problem most domestic violence victims know very intimately. The insanity of trying to love a person who just could not love you back. I was the answer to all his problems. And I was the problem.
I slid to the floor and cried, and wailed, and sobbed for the rest of the day. I felt so alone. I felt so abandoned. I felt so defeated. Like I lost a long embattled war. I felt like I failed my marriage.
It would be 2 years before I would seek a family counselor to help my teenage sons to adjust to a completely new way of life. Little did I dream, I needed to talk more than they did. I needed help. And I found it. I found a lot of things. And I found a piece of advice that would set me back on the path to living a more comfortable existence. He said, “Pat, you did not fail your marriage, you finished it! You earned the right to a divorce, because you did everything in your power to keep your marriage for 28 years, and you’ve come to the end of your ability to handle him and his problems any further. You finished your marriage. Now, go start living”
Go start living…what in the world does that mean? Where do I go to start this ”living”? What do the “living” people do? Who am I? I’ve lived so long feeling invisible.
A few months went by and one morning I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror, and it took me by complete surprise, I was smiling. Another morning I rose and realized, my stomach no longer hurts. Day by day, things got easier.
I struggled at night. I had this gnawing feeling that I just didn’t know what to do. Not that I didn’t have anything I could do. Just a feeling like I didn’t know what to do. And it stayed with me for the next few years. It finally faded in time.
Finally, one day, I decided that I would work with my hands when I couldn’t quiet my thoughts. And what transpired after that was a journey that would lead me to learning to live.
I invite you to continue with me and I’ll share all the ways I’ve learned to bring good things back into my life. I would welcome learning from you as well, please join the conversation!
JUST FOR TODAY: Meditate on these words throughout today: Proverbs 16:3 Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established!
