One of the hardest things I experienced considering all the decisions I had to make, was to just think. To be able to think and make decisions was so daunting a task, that I still find it hard to put into words. I was exhausted emotionally and bewildered by the magnitude of the details of life.

On one of his last violent episodes after I filed for divorce, my husband broke the restraining order and broke into our home.  I came home from work to find my entire office was in complete disarray. All the files were strewn all over the room, coffee poured all over them, and important legal and financial documents gone. I was paralyzed with fear. I closed that door and it would be 2 years before I could face going back into that room. I had ADT security system installed the next day, and life went on. Our grown daughter, who was the only person able to help me file the original restraining order and follow through with the divorce, would once again, step in and help me until I could help myself again.

She gathered what she could, of the retrievable documents, and tried to create a reasonable filing system with what was left. She handled the monthly bill paying, records keeping and filing. God bless her, I don’t know how I would have made it without her.

My 2 young sons, as well, were astonishingly supportive, forgiving and compassionate, as we made tremendous changes to try to piece together our broken lives.

Astonishingly, my work life thrived. I got a promotion, and a raise, and took on a second job helping others get their paper lives under control through a small business I created called Absolute Solutions to supplement our income.

But, once I got home, I faced the emptiness and heartbreak of facing life without, what I had considered, my best friend (not at all unusual for victims of domestic violence to cling to this sort of dysfunctional view of the relationship). Still not able to open the door to my home office, I would just walk right past it and on to my bedroom, where I spent the rest of my evenings until I’d drop from exhaustion.

I finally realized I had to get back to “living” in my own home. I started to create to-do lists and created a mantra that would sustain me for the next 4 years, and enable me to just take one more step. Make the next right decision. It enabled me to focus, and it went like this:

“With God’s grace, I will do only that which brings me delight, either in the commission or the completion of one task at a time. And I will walk within my house with a perfect heart, honoring the Lord in all I think, say and do”

Soon I was able to enter my office and clean out the entire room, do the necessary repairs and recreate a safe, orderly environment in which to take back the business of running a home and managing a family.  Stay with me, and I’ll share how I pulled it all together, by enlisting the help of my boys to teach them to take part in rebuilding our finances and our family life.

JUST FOR TODAY: Walk with me and find out “What to do, when you don’t know what to do?” Do the next right thing today.

So there I stood. In my foyer, back against the door, with the mail in my hands. Final Divorce Decree. FINAL. It’s over. There is something about reading that word that just took the wind out of me. 28 years of trying and loving and struggling and agonizing and after all that…it’s over.

It feels more like a death. Something died in me that day. I loved my husband. (I met him when I was 16 and I never dated any other boys. We married at 17, had our first of 4 children at 18 and on we went)  I loved being a wife. But, there was always a problem. A problem most domestic violence victims know very intimately. The insanity of trying to love a person who just could not love you back. I was the answer to all his problems. And I was the problem.

I slid to the floor and cried, and wailed, and sobbed for the rest of the day. I felt so alone. I felt so abandoned. I felt so defeated. Like I lost a long embattled war. I felt like I failed my marriage.

It would be 2 years before I would seek a family counselor to help my teenage sons to adjust to a completely new way of life. Little did I dream, I needed to talk more than they did. I needed help. And I found it. I found a lot of things. And I found a piece of advice that would set me back on the path to living a more comfortable existence. He said, “Pat, you did not fail your marriage, you finished it!  You earned the right to a divorce, because you did everything in your power to keep your marriage for 28 years, and you’ve come to the end of your ability to handle him and his problems any further. You finished your marriage. Now, go start living”

Go start living…what in the world does that mean? Where do I go to start this ”living”? What do the “living” people do? Who am I? I’ve lived so long feeling invisible.

A few months went by and one morning I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror, and it took me by complete surprise, I was smiling. Another morning I rose and realized, my stomach no longer hurts. Day by day, things got easier.

I struggled at night. I had this gnawing feeling that I just didn’t know what to do. Not that I didn’t have anything I could do. Just a feeling like I didn’t know what to do. And it stayed with me for the next few years. It finally faded in time.

Finally, one day, I decided that I would work with my hands when I couldn’t quiet my thoughts. And what transpired after that was a journey that would lead me to learning to live.

I invite you to continue with me and I’ll share all the ways I’ve learned to bring good things back into my life. I would welcome learning from you as well, please join the conversation!

JUST FOR TODAY: Meditate on these words throughout today: Proverbs 16:3 Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established!