There is no worse feeling in the world, for any mother, than to look into the eyes of your children and know that you have no idea where to go from here. There you are, bewildered. Empty. Sad. Heartbroken. This is where you need to dig deep. Unfortunately, this is where most women look for escape. So, please, if you are at this point, or know someone who is, hold still right now, and seek the Lord. In His presence, you have all the answers you need, one step at a time.
It may sound weird, but this is where you actually must take care of yourself. It makes sense to tackle the most pressing need you have first. Your pain. Seek help. Speak to a trusted minister, counsellor or friend (particularly one who has the life you aspire to have). Common sense is not all that common these days, but this stage calls for a common sense approach to get it together. Here are the things that I did to help myself, maybe this can help you too:
1. I went to my medical doctor, and got a complete checkup, this put my mind at ease concerning my headaches, body aches, sleeplessness, and overall un-well feeling.
2. I went to a Licensed Professional Counselor to unload my anguish and get perspective from someone who was not emotionally connected, and who would not judge me. Perspective is key!
3. I went for a massage every other week. Stress relieve without having to “do” anything. In this state, you really cannot “do” anything until you get over feeling overwhelmed.
4. I went to a local gym, someone gave me a membership, and I started working with a personal trainer. Not to get buff, but to keep me going. If I knew someone was waiting for me, I’d go.
5. I set aside a little time for friends.
Now that I was feeling better, I was more capable of making emotional decisions. And nothing is more emotionally impacting than your relationship to money. Here are a few Next Right Things I needed to do:
1. Consult an accountant, an insurance agent, and your creditors. I worked on Goals, Objectives, and best outcome thinking.
a. Goal #1 – deal with tax issues first, this can really hurt you if you don’t.
b. Objective: talk to an accountant and act immediately on the advice.
c. Goal # 2 – risk assessment and abatement
d. Objective: - speak to an insurance agent and get bundled: home, auto, life, health. This is usually where you can negotiate terms and cost, and develop a trusting relationship with your agent, so you feel comfortable and confident that if you have a problem, you have a trusted person who will help you. This is a huge psychological relief you need.
e. Goal: #3 – call your creditors to develop relationships that can help you.
f. Objective: - lower interest rates, transfer balances, whatever it takes to lower your debt.
g. Best outcome thinking: I have God’s favor because I’m doing the next right thing, and I will be led to the people who want to help me. I will get a handle on my finances, I will lower my risk, I will lower my debt, and I will quickly get financial freedom.
2. Create a beautiful, inviting, peaceful workspace. Consider where you are most apt to want to work: whether you have a home office or just work at your kitchen table, the important thing is you are where you want to be. Even if you go to a local café, (I did this before I could bear to go into my home office) you’ll need some basic tools. Here is my mobile toolkit!
a. 3” Heavy Duty 3 ring binder for monthly bills and a 2” Heavy Duty 3 ring binder for health and auto documentation (insurance, medical bills, dental bills, veterinarian bills) I like to slip beautiful images of desks cut from magazines in the clear plastic cover of the binder for bills, and health related images on the health binder. It makes me want to work in them. Amazing how this helps!
b. Plastic pocket folder dividers, labeled for each bill (electric, mortgage, etc…)
c. 3 hole punched fabric pouch, that fits on the 3 rings in the binder
d. 3 hole punch, stapler, stamps, return address labels, tape, legal sized envelopes, pen, pencil, eraser, paper clips, and sticky notes. All go in the pouch.
e. Organizational plan:
i. Keep unpaid bills in the inside cover pockets
ii. Pay bill, write the date, amount and check number on the stub
iii. 3 hole punch stub
iv. Place it behind the divider it belongs to (electric, mortgage, etc.)
v. Keep pertinent documents in the pocket of the folder it pertains to (credit card agreements go in the pocket of that credit card pocket folder divider) and paid bill stubs get 3 hole punched, and stored behind the pocket folder.
vi. Print bank statements and keep them in this binder. ( according to leading legal and financial advisors, it’s a good idea to keep hard copies of financial documentation in case of cyber-attack)
Even if you pay online, it’s good to keep hard copy records as well. At least your bank statements, insurance and legal documents.
I made an effort to pay bills on Sunday afternoon. And I would reward myself for keeping the commitment. There is a direct psychological connection between spending money (paying bills in this case) and making money (reward for good behavior in this case). My favorites were a new lipstick or nail polish, or lunch at a café while I paid bills. Something budget friendly, but a way to honor your personal value.
Once I got my physical and financial life in order, good things began to happen quickly. Once I got my act together, I was able to take hold of my boys and work things out together, as a competent, capable, enthusiastic mother. I still had a lot of emotional pain, but I was better suited to continue getting therapy and not acting all miserable around the boys. You have to take care of yourself, before you can do the best thing for your children.
Stay with me and I’ll share how I started to recognize and deal with rebuilding my sense of self. My new identity.
Just For Today: Let’s walk together and get those appointments scheduled: accountant, insurance agent, physician, and dentist. Let’s get healthy. Do the next right thing.
