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Wednesday, September 10 2014
One of the hardest things I experienced considering all the decisions I had to make, was to just think. To be able to think and make decisions was so daunting a task, that I still find it hard to put into words. I was exhausted emotionally and bewildered by the magnitude of the details of life.
On one of his last violent episodes after I filed for divorce, my husband broke the restraining order and broke into our home. I came home from work to find my entire office was in complete disarray. All the files were strewn all over the room, coffee poured all over them, and important legal and financial documents gone. I was paralyzed with fear. I closed that door and it would be 2 years before I could face going back into that room. I had ADT security system installed the next day, and life went on. Our grown daughter, who was the only person able to help me file the original restraining order and follow through with the divorce, would once again, step in and help me until I could help myself again.
She gathered what she could, of the retrievable documents, and tried to create a reasonable filing system with what was left. She handled the monthly bill paying, records keeping and filing. God bless her, I don’t know how I would have made it without her.
My 2 young sons, as well, were astonishingly supportive, forgiving and compassionate, as we made tremendous changes to try to piece together our broken lives.
Astonishingly, my work life thrived. I got a promotion, and a raise, and took on a second job helping others get their paper lives under control through a small business I created called Absolute Solutions to supplement our income.
But, once I got home, I faced the emptiness and heartbreak of facing life without, what I had considered, my best friend (not at all unusual for victims of domestic violence to cling to this sort of dysfunctional view of the relationship). Still not able to open the door to my home office, I would just walk right past it and on to my bedroom, where I spent the rest of my evenings until I’d drop from exhaustion.
I finally realized I had to get back to “living” in my own home. I started to create to-do lists and created a mantra that would sustain me for the next 4 years, and enable me to just take one more step. Make the next right decision. It enabled me to focus, and it went like this:
“With God’s grace, I will do only that which brings me delight, either in the commission or the completion of one task at a time. And I will walk within my house with a perfect heart, honoring the Lord in all I think, say and do”
Soon I was able to enter my office and clean out the entire room, do the necessary repairs and recreate a safe, orderly environment in which to take back the business of running a home and managing a family. Stay with me, and I’ll share how I pulled it all together, by enlisting the help of my boys to teach them to take part in rebuilding our finances and our family life.
JUST FOR TODAY: Walk with me and find out “What to do, when you don’t know what to do?” Do the next right thing today.
Tuesday, September 09 2014
So there I stood. In my foyer, back against the door, with the mail in my hands. Final Divorce Decree. FINAL. It’s over. There is something about reading that word that just took the wind out of me. 28 years of trying and loving and struggling and agonizing and after all that…it’s over.
It feels more like a death. Something died in me that day. I loved my husband. (I met him when I was 16 and I never dated any other boys. We married at 17, had our first of 4 children at 18 and on we went) I loved being a wife. But, there was always a problem. A problem most domestic violence victims know very intimately. The insanity of trying to love a person who just could not love you back. I was the answer to all his problems. And I was the problem.
I slid to the floor and cried, and wailed, and sobbed for the rest of the day. I felt so alone. I felt so abandoned. I felt so defeated. Like I lost a long embattled war. I felt like I failed my marriage.
It would be 2 years before I would seek a family counselor to help my teenage sons to adjust to a completely new way of life. Little did I dream, I needed to talk more than they did. I needed help. And I found it. I found a lot of things. And I found a piece of advice that would set me back on the path to living a more comfortable existence. He said, “Pat, you did not fail your marriage, you finished it! You earned the right to a divorce, because you did everything in your power to keep your marriage for 28 years, and you’ve come to the end of your ability to handle him and his problems any further. You finished your marriage. Now, go start living”
Go start living…what in the world does that mean? Where do I go to start this ”living”? What do the “living” people do? Who am I? I’ve lived so long feeling invisible.
A few months went by and one morning I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror, and it took me by complete surprise, I was smiling. Another morning I rose and realized, my stomach no longer hurts. Day by day, things got easier.
I struggled at night. I had this gnawing feeling that I just didn’t know what to do. Not that I didn’t have anything I could do. Just a feeling like I didn’t know what to do. And it stayed with me for the next few years. It finally faded in time.
Finally, one day, I decided that I would work with my hands when I couldn’t quiet my thoughts. And what transpired after that was a journey that would lead me to learning to live.
I invite you to continue with me and I’ll share all the ways I’ve learned to bring good things back into my life. I would welcome learning from you as well, please join the conversation!
JUST FOR TODAY: Meditate on these words throughout today: Proverbs 16:3 Commit your works to the Lord, and your thoughts will be established!
Tuesday, September 02 2014
The Garden, The Paintbrush and The Pen: these are the tools of my reconstruction.
At this early point in my solitary journey, I work with my hands so my thoughts will be established. Proverbs 16:3. The garden, the paintbrush and the pen were the objects that enabled me to start healing through creating.
I’m amazed at the value of these tools to bring me the peace, comfort, and sense of empowerment that carries me through the toughest times in my life.
The Garden, at a glance looks just basic dirt, but when you touch it, there is magic. From this dirt we receive beauty. From this dirt we receive nourishment. From this dirt, God created Adam. Playing in the dirt is like co-creating with God. My garden is such a healing place. A few shrubs, a couple of flats of flowers and a little re-design and I’m there!
The Paintbrush, a simple beautiful tool, through which can flow a rainbow of emotions. A tool like no other, gives itself to whatever you could imagine, then yeilds itself to complete flexibility to be used for sheer visual pleasure. To saturate myself in the colors of God, and glide through life over the dark and hollow surfaces, allowing Him, co-operating with Him to create masterpieces in everyone my life touches. My paintbrush restores more than the sad and unlovely places in my house. It gives me freedom and choices. Adding joy where there was sorrow. Shedding light on dark places, shading drama in the bland.
The Pen, a most valued friend. Out of which flows my life in Words. A vessel through which can pour the abundance that’s been poured in me. The Pen, mightier than the sword, she dances across the page to divide and conquer the best from the better. I feel her thunder when my frail fingers wrap around her. You go girl!
My Pen is thundering in my hand. I feel a surge of literary energy welling up in me.
Tuesday, August 26 2014
It is so good to be back at this screen! I started creating this site in 2011 just for fun. As work and life got in the way, this project got further and further down on the "do for Pat" list. I am so delighted to be back.
The motivation to get back to this came in the form of a new "do for Pat" item on the list, # 8 "take an online writing course to gain insight and knowledge needed to publish my book". I am now enrolled in the Blogging a Book class with Writer's Digest, and I am starting to roll.
I must say a great big thank you to all of you who have encouraged me, read my articles, sent them to friends, and always ask for more. I invite your regular feedback as I will be posting the abbreviated content for The Garden, The Paint Brush and The Pen: these are the tools to my reconstruction. To thank you for staying with me, I will add Just For Today items with each post that you can use to reconstruct your life while journeying with me!
Just For Today: Try this creativity booster. Research shows that lying flat on your back can help boost our creativitiy. Try it, and let me know if it works for you!
So please, gather up our friends, all those who you think might benefit from the lessons and enjoy the read, and let's work together to create a wonderfully useful and delightful book.
Tuesday, January 04 2011
Welcome to my new blog! I am so glad you decided to check it out.
It’s January, the month that inspires me to clear the clutter! I like to start with my home, (then office, car, etc..) and for the benefit of my readers I have incorporated a weekly organization plan that I have developed over the past 30 years. There are many books about organizing on the market, but if you’re like me, you can’t find the book, once you bought it, because it got lost under some pile of clutter.
I eventually found and read over 40 books on home and business management as well as organization. To put that knowledge to the highest and best use, I not only got my life and possessions under control, founded and ran a few small businesses, but I now want to share that knowledge with others. I have incorporated a weekly organization guide on my website for you, I hope you find it helpful.
I remember when I needed this knowledge the most, I was too busy to learn about it. How could I take the time to read and absorb information about how to manage a home, while I was being swallowed up by mine? To add insult to injury, I was raised on Gloria Steinem’s mantra that housework was to be considered “demeaning” and so in order to be hip, I was supposed to get a degree, get a job and sing “I am woman, hear me roar…” Well, call me un-hip, but I liked being a mommy and I wanted to learn how to manage our home. And because my choices seemed so socially unacceptable at the time, I spent more time sobbing than roaring. So you can imagine my joy when I came across an author who seemed to be just like me, only this chick already had it all together. And reading her first book, simply titled “Entertaining” Martha Stewert made it hip to be square in the kitchen! That was the first book I read on the subject, and I tell you, I read every page and I read every chance I got! I washed dishes, while reading the first few pages under a piece of plastic wrap to keep the pages dry. I read a few chapters while nursing a baby, I read while vacuuming, folding clothes and almost had to be careful not to bring it into the bedroom, if you know what I mean! I’m just saying, I was hooked.
The more I read, the hungrier I got to read more, thus over 40 books on the subject consumed over about 25 years. So, if you are ready, I’d like to begin by encouraging you to start organizing the clutter in your mind before we tackle your closets. I’ll ask a few questions and maybe you will find your way to what most of us really want, which is peace, balance and a sense of well-being.
1. Are you happy? If so, congratulations 63% of Americans polled by Gallop say they are not happy. If not, take some time to get alone and carefully consider all aspects of your life and start making the necessary changes. For inspiration, please read my article entitled The Garden, the Paintbrush and the Pen, and I’ll share how I made the necessary changes in my life, and lived to tell about it.
2. Have you found your reason to exist on the planet? Have you found what makes you passionate? Dianna Ross sang a wonderful song many years ago called “Do You Know Where Your Going To?” the lyrics included these words, “…do you know where you’re going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to? Do you know?...” (click here to hear Dianna Ross sing to you! ) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZKhwTpu4u8
3. Have you documented your life goals? Do you have goals for your life? In many ways, I feel I’ve written my current life into existence. I gleaned a few ideas from several different schools of thought on the subject of creating a successful life, and came up with a combination of ideas that worked for me. I call it my Success Journal. For inspiration, find the template for it on my website and feel free to download it, use it as often as you like. This practice changed my life from the inside out. I hope you find it helpful too!
Thinking back on when I was a young wife and mother, I had a great friend who was older than me and she always encouraged me to be kind to myself, and so I pass it on to you; be kind to yourself! Tag, your it!
Next month’s blog subject: organizing our schedule
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